Jeanette Castady

Happy.... Everything

2011-12-30T11:13:00.001-06:00

Hi Mom,
It has been one crazy holiday season, but I never want to forget to put my thoughts to the page when it comes to your blog. I will never let a year go by where I forget to remind you... whether you can read it or not... how very missed you are.

This was a big year for us. Cameron's first Thanksgiving, Christmas, and his 1st birthday was yesterday! We have been to countless parties and he is such a little social butterfly, just like his mommy. :) You would be so proud of how happy and funny he is. He is starting to stand, talk, and have the greatest little personality. I can just imagine what a kick you would get out of him. I am so lucky that his other grandma is filling the role for both of you with so many flying colors, and his grandpa Hayes is absolutely hands on and in love with him too. Dad is also so proud and cute when it comes to him, and all the kids for that matter. You wouldn't believe it - he actually got them all McDonald's GC's this year! I don't have to tell you Dad isn't really the gift buying type (much less for 15 kids), so I thought that was the cutest, and I'm sure you would have too. He's hanging in there mom. We all are. But we still miss you terribly and there is always a void in these happy seasons where you should be. We make the most of our time together though, and I think you'd have peace in your heart about that.

Tomorrow is New Years Eve. Last year we brought our new baby home that day, and this year he's having a sleepover with his grandparents. We've come a long way since then! This holiday in particular always makes me miss you a little extra because of our phone calls after midnight to wish each other a happy new year and say I love you. You were usually at work, having a pot luck with the girls. :) I probably post this same memory every year, but it's because it was just one of the small memories that I will always hold dear. I am so proud of the mother daughter relationship and friendship we had. I can't imagine feeling closer to someone as I did to you. Thank you for instilling so much good in my heart and life. You were the best and I will miss and love you every day, always.

The Little Things

2011-11-05T09:13:00.000-05:00

I realized this morning that I never quite appreciated how awesome it was to just be able to pick up the phone and call you. Yesterday it was something so small and simple, like driving past the new Elmhurst Hospital and picturing you so excited to go visit your old work friends there. I can almost hear you excitedly describing how big and beautiful it is. I just wanted to call you and chat about it.

There's so much in my life I wish I could share with you, Mom. Things you'd be so excited and supportive of. Today it's weight loss. You were always so big on healthy eating and proud of your Weight Watchers achievements, so I decided in order to get rid of some post baby pounds once and for all I would join. That was about 3 months ago, and today I hit my 10% goal. I was so excited, and all I wanted to do was call you. Achingly so. Sigh. Every week when I go weigh in I think of you and how I'd love to jump in the car and call you to let you know how it went. But when it's an extra big loss, or a goal reached, or something that makes me giggle with delight, the one person I want to share it with more than anyone is you.

Today we are celebrating the birthdays of Ryan, Jack, and Dawson - three of your grandchildren that you never got to meet. That is just so surreal to me. They don't know what they're missing. In two months we'll celebrate Cameron's first birthday too, and I know I'm going to miss you. You were such an amazing grandma, and the kids who did get to know you, still remember you and talk about you, and love you so much. You will never be forgotten.

Anyway, just sitting here thinking about all these little things I wish you could be here to share. I miss your face, and your smile, and your voice. But I especially miss your kind and loving heart, and it's huge place in my life. I can't wait to see you again someday. I know you'll be even more beautiful and perfect than you were here on earth. I love you so much!

5 years

2011-09-25T19:16:00.000-05:00

5 years today. Half a decade. I had something long and poignant written out but I just don't want to be the person that wallows in grief, and it's so easy to do that on this anniversary each year. You wouldn't want that, and neither do I. Instead I am just going to be grateful that the pain we endured 5 years ago is behind us, and we have been able to do a lot of healing. I want to at least honor your memory by posting here today and saying: I MISS YOU. I LOVE YOU. I WISH YOU WERE HERE. Life has gone on Mom, but I will never go a day without thinking of you, and missing you, and wondering how things would be different if you were a part of our every day life. I tell Cameron about you all the time, what an amazing, beautiful person his grandma was. You mean the world to me, always and forever. I love you so much.

Forever Bonded

2011-09-08T16:42:00.000-05:00

Hi Mom,

Today is mine and Rocky's 5 year wedding anniversary, and I can't help but think a lot about you today. I can't believe it was 5 years ago that we had our little wedding service at Elmhurst Hospital chapel. If there is anything that gives me peace about having such happy and sad events in my life so intertwined, it's that you were able to be there to see us get married. What warms my heart is that it was Rocky's idea. I don't know that it ever occurred to me to really thank him for that until this anniversary. Making sure you got to see me walk down the aisle, and that we had you beside us as we exchanged our vows was just as important to him as it was to me. He really loved you, not that it's any surprise. All your children-in-law loved you so much.

I have come to realize that my wedding anniversary and your passing will always kind of go hand in hand in my head and my heart. But I've also come to embrace it, as odd as that sounds. It's our bond. Forever. You, me, and Rocky. I feel like God chose us for that to make us stronger. I had no idea how strong I could be until we made it through September of 2006. I love you so much mom. I'm so thankful you got to see me be a wife, even if only for a couple of weeks. I wish so badly you could see me as a mother, and know Cameron. Love isn't a big enough word to describe my feelings for that sweet, funny little guy. You would adore him and I know he would adore you right back.

Thank you for always being in my heart. I love you.

Becky

Happy Mother's Day

2011-05-09T16:01:00.000-05:00

Happy Mother's Day, Mom. As with every Mother's Day I'm thinking about you, missing you, and wishing you were here for us to celebrate you and all you've done for us. But this year there was a new twist on this day, because it's my first Mother's Day as a Mom myself. Becoming a mom has been the most wonderful experience of my life, and it's taken a day that has been bittersweet since we lost you, and made it much more sweet than bitter. I know that you would want that. As selfless as you were, I know it wouldn't make you happy to see us sad and hurting on this day, so it actually felt good that I could be excited for Mother's Day this year. I felt in my heart that you were happy for me. But I do have to say, it would have been even better to celebrate our Mother's Day together. There will never come a day, Mother's Day or otherwise, that I don't wish you were here. I love you.

Grandma's Memorial

2011-04-04T19:34:00.003-05:00

It seemed blogworthy to post that I took my sweet little man to your memorial bench on the prairie path for the first time the other day. It was one of the first sunny, nice days of spring, and although the flowers haven't bloomed over there yet, it was nice to see your bench not buried in snow. I took Cameron in the stroller and as we walked along the path I told him how much you used to love to do the same, along with so many other things about you. It was a very peaceful, and your beautiful presence was felt. It's not as good as sitting him on your lap, but I snapped this picture to commemorate the visit. He's amazing mom. I can't believe we made him. I wish I could talk to you about how much I LOVE being a mom, and what pure JOY fills my heart when I look at him. I know you would be really happy to know how well we're doing. You would love him so much, and just eat his chubby little cheeks up! I will always do my best to tell him about you as he grows up, so he knows what a wonderful, loving person his other grandma was. But don't worry, his grandma Hayes is making up for your absence by loving him double (maybe even triple). :) We miss you and love you forever!

Hi Grandma!

2011-01-19T13:20:00.003-06:00

Well Mom, for the 14th time you are again a Grandma! Rocky and I welcomed the love of our life into the world on December 29th 2010 at 9:02pm - Cameron William Hayes, 8lb. 60z. 20in. I thought about you the entire time, through my labor, through my delivery, and every day since. I wish so badly you could be here to see him, and how beautiful and sweet he is. Every decision I make when it comes to him I ask myself what you would think. I've had many a tough moment wishing so badly I could call you for advice in the three short weeks since he arrived, and I'm sure I'll have plenty more. But even with the impression you left on my life in the time you were here, I feel better equipped for motherhood. I only hope I can be half the mom to Cameron that you were to me. When I look at him I can just hear you saying "Oh Becky, he looks so much like your baby picture!" And during delivery mom, you would have been proud of me. I did so much better with the pain than you probably would have thought. :) I love you, and trust me when I say, I've never missed you more!

Morning Coffee with You

2010-12-20T09:44:00.003-06:00

Recently when I was making room in the kitchen cabinets for baby bottles, I came across one of your funny old Christmas mugs that I took from the house a few years ago. It was one of those perfect moments to find such a thing, a comforting little reminder that you're always with me. Since the holiday season has set in I drink out of this mug and every time I feel like we're having our morning coffee together. It gives me great memories of you and one of your favorite things - a good cup of coffee in the morning. In a couple weeks I may graduate from one cup a day to a bit more, when I become a new mommy and am sleep deprived, and I think I'll keep this mug handy year-round. As much as I will be wishing you were here to share this special time with me, at least I'll have my memories and my special time with you each morning. I love you Mom. xoxo

Missing You Still

2010-11-15T11:48:00.003-06:00

Oh mom. Some days I just can't believe it's been four years because the longing for you feels like it was yesterday. The more things change, the more I wish I had you here to talk to. Everything just seemed so simple when you were here. And when I had a hard time, or needed reassurance and encouragement, you always made it better. I miss having you a mile down the street or a phone call away so much. I have come to rely on God where I would have relied on you before, and I know that would make you happy. I should have always done that, but then I've changed a lot in that respect since he took you home. I do still believe good came of this loss where my spirituality and faith are concerned, but it doesn't make it hurt any less when I'm missing you. Luckily God always comforts me when I need it. Life is SO full of huge changes right now, and some days it just scares me to death. You always took it all in stride. I pray each day that God will instill in me the same grace he gave you to do the same. I love you so much. I will never stop missing you, or let anyone or anything replace the love I have for you in my heart. We move on, but we will never leave you behind.

Thinking of You

2010-09-28T21:23:00.002-05:00

Last weekend was four years since you passed away. Four years sounds like SO long ago, but it still seems so fresh sometimes. I wanted to update your blog on the 25th like I normally would, but I just couldn't do it. I found myself avoiding it, like I just didn't feel like accepting the anniversary of it this year. I'm so tired of you being gone Mom. So many exciting things are happening in my life right now and all I want is to share them all with you. I can imagine how thrilled you'd be every time you saw my growing belly, an ultrasound picture, or got to feel how much this baby likes to kick and wiggle. I can almost hear you saying "Ooh maybe it will be Elmhurst Hospital's first baby of the year!" when you learned of my New Years Day due date. Who knows, maybe you have a front row seat for all of it. I sure hope so, because I am really feeling your absence through this huge chapter in my life. I do feel your presence, every time I picture your reaction to whatever milestone happens to come about. I know you'll be watching over us when the baby's birthday arrives. I promise you, Rocky and I are going to tell this kid all about you and what a wonderful person his or her Grandma Castady was. We both love you so much, and we agree that the only bittersweet part of all of this is that our child won't be fortunate enough to know you. We don't know what we're having, but one thing is for sure... if we have a little girl, her middle name will be Jeanette in honor of you. I love you and miss you with all my heart.

Happy Birthday

2010-06-28T09:57:00.002-05:00

We are all thinking about you and missing you today, on what would have been your 64th birthday. It's hard to believe the last one we celebrated with you was your 60th. Every time I look at your picture, I feel like it was just yesterday you were here. Your voice, your smile, and your amazing, loving, and giving spirit will NEVER fade from my memory, no matter how many years go by. You really were the "sweetest lady that ever lived", just like Dad's song for you said. I miss you immensely. I love you even more. Happy Birthday.

I Hope You Know...

2010-05-18T18:24:00.002-05:00

I hope you know what is happening in my life right now, Mom. You're the first person I wanted to call. Not having you here to share these moments with is really hard, because I know how happy and excited you would have been. I hope you can see us from where you are, and that even though our baby won't be fortunate enough to know you, you'll know him/her. I hope you'll pray for me from Heaven that this little baby inside me grows healthy and strong over the next several months. I know it's going to get harder not having you here for each milestone, especially when I go to the hospital where you watched so many babies be born at work, to have my own. I will miss you the most when that day comes. But I really hope you will be there with me in spirit. I know you will. I love you so much.

Thinking of You - What Else is New?

2010-03-04T17:35:00.003-06:00

I miss you today. I miss you every day, but lately you're just all over my mind. I hope you can hear me when I speak to you. When I tell you I love you. The more changes life throws our way the more I think about how it would be if you were here. One thing was always certain even at the height of uncertainty - you were the rock we could lean on. I still lean on you today, and try to ask myself what you would do. That always makes things clearer for me. I love you so much, and I'm thankful for you every day.

3 Years Later...

2009-09-25T09:11:00.003-05:00

I can hardly believe it's been three years since I've seen your face, held your hand, or heard your voice. You would think that time would make that ache of longing for you subside, but in fact it's the complete opposite. I only miss you MORE with time. It's that much longer since we've seen you. That many more milestones and memories that we've not been able to share with you. If I could just call you up we would have SO much to talk about. I'd give anything to be able to make that phone call. Maybe that's why this blog is comforting to me. I feel as though I'm talking to you, I just wish you could talk back. I really pray that the Lord lets you peek down on us from time to time and see how we're doing. Nothing is the same without you, but I can just imagine how much joy you would get out of seeing your newer grandkids, watching our relationships blossom, and seeing how strong Dad and the rest of us have managed to be without you. You're still the glue and there are times I feel we are twisting in the wind without you here to bond us together, but I'm also proud that we've been able to maintain a semblance of family on our own. Mom, words can't say how much we miss you or how badly we wish you were here. My heart is incomplete without you and I know that nothing will ever change that. But I do have faith that I will see you again someday and that is one of the biggest things that keeps me strong. I'm so thankful you will never know pain again, as you rest peacefully in God's arms. If not here with me, there is no place I'd rather you be. I love you with all my heart.

Just Another Day

2009-07-29T10:08:00.002-05:00

Hi Mom. There's no special occasion to post on your blog today, just another day that I am thinking about you and missing you. This Sunday I will be running my first half-marathon and I know you would have been my biggest cheerleader out there, as you have always been for Greg with his marathons. I will be thinking of you, and imagining your smiling face in the crowd with a big yellow sign cheering me on. I know that will keep me strong til the end. I love you so much.

Your Day

2009-05-08T09:17:00.003-05:00

I have this picture on my refrigerator and every time I see your face it warms my heart. This picture really captures the essence of you. The Joy in your smile, and the Love in your eyes. It's that Face and that Joy and that Love that I miss every day, but although you aren't here I can still feel your presence so strongly in my heart and your influence in my life. I can't wait to see you again someday. Mother's Day will never be the same without you, Mom. We are lucky to have other great moms in our lives to celebrate on Mother's Day, and some of us are or will be a mom that gets celebrated ourselves, but deep in my heart it's a day that will always center around you. The Mom I was so blessed to have had for 28 years. I will always, always be grateful for every day I had with you, and that God picked ME to be one of your daughters. I love you and miss you so much. Mother's Day and every day.

Missing You...

2009-02-09T11:31:00.002-06:00

I dreamt of you last night... I don't remember anything except hearing your wonderful laughter, and it was music to my ears. Your memory never fades, Mom. I love you and miss you more than words could ever say.

Dedicated to Mom

2009-01-15T10:08:00.000-06:00

Happy New Year!

2008-12-31T19:33:00.002-06:00

We always used to call each other at midnight. You were usually at work, having a pot luck party with your friends, which you always looked forward to. Sometimes you'd call me, or I would call you, but we always ended up talking after midnight to wish each other a happy a new year, and say I love you. I miss that so much. Tonight I will ring in the new year with all of your sisters, who loved you so much. We won't be able to call you, but we'll definitely be missing you and thinking about you whent the clock strikes 12... and before... and after. I pray the year to come will continue to bring more peace for all of us. We miss and love you sooo much, mom. Happy new year.

Merry Christmas

2008-12-24T10:00:00.002-06:00

All I want for Christmas is you, mom. You made the season brighter for all of us, but I think you'd be happy to know that we still come together and celebrate Christmas day as one big happy family. With 13 adults and 12 kids that's not always an easy task, but it just feels right, and we know that's the way you'd want it to be. It's bittersweet to have such happy family time without you there, but you are ever present on our minds and in our hearts, and your absence is felt deeply. I think maybe that's part of what draws us closer as each year passes. You were always the magnetic force that brought us together and made every gathering so happy and complete. I think without you we just strive to nourish and grow our family bond the way we know would make you so happy. I'm so proud of who you were, mom, and I just ask God to help me be more like you. I'll miss you this Christmas, as I do each day, and I thank you for being my guardian angel, and getting me through. I love you so much, Merry Christmas.

Oh, Mom

2008-10-01T20:29:00.004-05:00

I had that dream again last night, where I wake up balling. Sometimes I wonder if Lauren hears me, and just can't bring herself to tell me about it. The hole doesn't really get filled, does it? Nothing can replace you Mom - not that I would ever make that attempt. I find myself ready to go, at any time; but you wouldn't want it that way, would you? You want me to be molded into the man you made me to be with my time down here. I think I believe it less and less that you're actually gone as the years go by. The other day I found myself alone in the van, and I just had to say it out loud- "Are you KIDDING me? She's really gone?" simply unreal. Anyway, I'm just here to express my love one more time. You are missed, irreplaceable and never forgotten!

2 Years

2008-09-25T08:18:00.001-05:00

It’s been 2 years since we have lived without my mom, our beautiful centerpiece. She means so much to so many who knew and loved her. It seems like yesterday she was here with us, laughing, planning, and enjoying all the blessings in her life. I know my mom is in Heaven, and that’s what gets me through, and gives me some sense of peace. Just knowing she is in God’s glory is comforting, because that’s what she deserves. But still, a day doesn’t go by that she isn’t on our minds and in our hearts, more than words could ever express. Thanks to the Lord for my mom, and every moment she blessed us with her presence here on earth. And now, I just want to share a list of a few of the many wonderful things about my mom (in NO particular order):

Her kindness
Her smile
She was 100% genuine
She LOVED the Lord!
Her willpower and discipline
Her courage to stand up for her beliefs
Her laugh
Her nicknames for us - Catarina, Boy, Beckerdoodle, Le-Cat-Beck-Dan-Georgie! (when she just couldn’t figure out who she was trying to call)… Just to name a few
Her cute way of putting together an outfit and excitement to lay it out and show you
Her voice
Her smell
She was the greatest teacher I ever had
Her unconditional love
Her good advice
Her nurturing
A hug, kiss, and a huge smile each time you saw her (even if you just saw her yesterday)
Her delicious meals, prepared with love every Tuesday - and then some!
Her reassurance that “everything will be ok”
She would never hold a grudge
She could forgive anyone anything
Her selflessness (although she definitely SHOULD have thought of herself more often if you ask me)
Walking with her
Singing with her
Her great cooking advice (I still take her advice every time I cook)
How enjoyable it was to talk to her on the phone my whole ride home from work.
She inspires me to be a better person
Our long talks about nothing
Our long talks about everything
Her encouragement
Her thoughtfulness
How FUN she was to hang out with!
How much she loved my dad
How much my dad loves her
She was a WONDERFUL wife!
She was an AMAZING mom!
Her ability to make everyone feel equally important and special in her eyes
Her ability to stay neutral – but lovingly neutral
She ADORED her grandchildren!
She took pride in her family
Her excitement about Christmas presents – to give of course, not receive
Her holiday decorations – whatever the holiday
Her LOVE for her sisters and sister-in-laws
How excited she got for any “sisters” outing or event that was coming up
Her giving nature to everyone she knew - or didn't know for that matter
She gave of herself until she could give no more.

This list could go on and on. I’m sure every person who knew her could add a hundred things of their own. I just like to remind myself of all the reasons I am lucky to have her as my mom, and I thought today of all days, it was important to share it with anyone who reads this blog also. Rest peacefully, mom, you’ll always be “the sweetest lady that ever lived” to us. We miss you and love you every day, always.

Happy Birthday

2008-06-28T10:26:00.001-05:00

Some days there just aren't words. Today is one of those days. So I'll keep it simple and just say that my heart is filled with love and longing for you today, Mom. I wish so badly we could celebrate your birthday together today as a family. Actually we will all be together celebrating the kids birthdays, but your absence will surely be felt. We know you'll be with us in spirit. I love you more than words can express. You're always on my mind and in my heart. Happy HEAVENLY Birthday Mama.

Another Mother's Day

2008-05-11T13:32:00.004-05:00

Today is our second Mother's Day without the pleasure of seeing my mom's face. As I drove to church this morning with my Auntie Jayne, she reminisced about how my mom would get in the car every week for church and ask if her outfit or necklace or some other accessory looked ok. And after my aunt would tell her of course it looked cute, she'd rave about what a great bargain she got on it. She was such a character like that. The salt of the earth, if I've ever known a person to fit that description.

Mother's Day without my mom is like a beach without sand... there's just that key ingredient, something really obvious that's missing. And on a windy, rainy Mother's Day like today, it would be pretty easy to let yourself wallow a bit. But as this morning progressed, I really thought about my mom, and how she would have enjoyed this day as she did any other, rain or shine. I could picture her singing along with every song at church, tapping her hands and feet to the music, and standing with beaming pride when the pastor asked all the mothers and grandmothers to stand. Those images of her make it hard not to smile. My mom would want nothing less than for us to enjoy this day as much as she would if she could. So rather than let Mother's Day be a day that makes me sad, I dedicate it entirely to just remembering her, and try to spend it exactly as she would, and as I know she would want me to. I remind myself today, and every day, just how lucky we were to have the years we did with the most loving, giving, sweet, funny, and amazing mom we could ever be blessed enough to have.

Happy Mother's Day in Heaven, Mom. I feel your love and your comfort shining down when I need it most, and I thank God for you. Our love for you is endless and only grows stronger.

Thinking of you

2008-02-06T19:27:00.000-06:00

I can't stop thinking about you tonight. I always find myself thinking about you when I'm cooking dinner, because I remember how much you loved to cook for your family. Tuesday night dinner was on Tuesday because you didn't work Monday or Tuesday nights and you'd be able to spend the whole day preparing the feast for us. You'd always fix your plate last, after making sure everyone else was already enjoying their dinner. You'd make a plate for anyone who was going to be late or couldn't make it so they didn't miss out. I'm mulling over all of this as I cook dinner, and it's not even Tuesday.

It's just one of a million things that makes my heart ache missing you, Mom. I want to pick up the phone and be able to call you and just talk about my day, and see what's new with you. There are so many people in our lives that we can turn to, who love us, who want the best for us, and who will always be there for us. But man... nobody is you, Mom. The safety and encouragement in your words and voice will never be matched. Not by a hundred miles. I love you so much.

A Bittersweet Season

2007-12-02T22:00:00.000-06:00

When we were kids my mom used to take us up and down the side streets of Westchester, down "candy cane lane", to look at all the decked out Christmas decorations. A few days ago I took the same drive, hoping to recapture the magic of that memory, and the realization of Christmas without my mom really set in for the first time. I think last year was just too soon. We were just too numb to it all still. This year things have settled in and life without mom has become a reality. Somehow.

I will always love this time of year, but it's still somewhat bittersweet. Every thing about the Christmas season... the joy of Jesus' birth, the beautiful music, the spirit of giving, the elaborate decorations... it all just reminds me so much of her. She loved it all, and celebrated with her entire heart. She was the life of the party, and the center of the whole thing for me. The lights couldn't possibly shine as bright without her. My mom lived to buy gifts for her kids and grandkids, just to see their faces light up on Christmas day. It gave her a hundred times the joy than opening any gift of her own. As I shop for kids clothes and toys for my neices and nephews, and browse the aisles of the dollar store for the "little extras" and bargain wrapping paper and bows, I can't help but feel a sense of sadness as I remember that she isn't here to do the same. As I pick out gifts for people, it tugs at my heart strings as I wish so badly that I could pick her out a cute top, or something else she would never indulge in for herself. Probably so she could afford those "little extras" for everyone else. The list of things that make me miss her, especially at this time of year, is truly endless. But I do have to smile as I pick up my "two-50-foot-rolls-of-wrapping-paper-for-a-buck" at the Dollar Tree, knowing she'd be proud that I didn't pay full price. :)

I love you, Mom. I miss you with every inch of my heart, every day, every minute, always. I hope you're enjoying the lights in Heaven.

In Loving Memory, One Year Later

2007-09-25T09:53:00.000-05:00

A year ago today my mom left this world and went to be with the Lord. I wonder what kind of year it’s been for her? I wonder if there is even time in Heaven? I guess it doesn’t matter, because I just know it’s Paradise and that’s all I could ever want for her. As for here on earth, where time does in fact exist, it certainly doesn’t seem like it’s been a year. If I didn't have a calendar to prove it I wouldn't even believe it. Not a day goes by that I don’t miss my mom, and long to see her, and hug her, and hear her voice one more time. She was the closest person in the world to me, the dearest to my heart, and she always will be. There is something about the bond of a mother and child that is so enormous, I can hardly wrap my mind around it. I will probably know it even more when I have my own kids, but from the child’s perspective, nothing can quite explain the enormity of that love in words. And as much faith as I have that God will continue to heal our hearts, and bring us peace as time passes, there will never be anything that can fill the place that my mom held in my life and in my heart. It’s just a mother’s rightful place. She was such a huge part of who I am, and who I will always strive to be as I grow older. I just thank God for giving me such a wonderful example to learn from. She had 6 kids, and I think I can speak for all of us when I say that nobody ever felt less loved by her, or any less important to her than anyone else. How did she do that? I don’t think I’ll ever know, but I'll sure try to emulate her when my time comes to be a mother. Talk about shooting for the stars. It doesn't matter if it's been 1 year, 5 years, 10 years, or more… our love will never fade, we’ll only miss her more. I love you, Mom, and miss you every single day.

One Year Ago

2007-08-01T11:30:00.000-05:00

How can it be, a year has gone by, since the saddest day of my life.
The imminent news that we'd soon say goodbye to our friend, and mother, and wife.
Nothing can describe the heartache,
No words can explain the fear,
At the idea that we'd have to go on
living our lives without her here.
But the Lord stepped in since our lives unraveled,
and supplied us with comfort abound.
He is the giver of my renewed faith,
and this puzzling peace that I've found.
I will miss her each day, and long for her voice
Till the day I'm reunited with her.
But I rest on the knowledge that she knows no pain,
and is basking in all she deserves.

From Her Loving Husband...

2007-06-28T10:39:00.000-05:00

My Dad asked me to post this for him:

"Had it any been but she, And that very face, There had been at least ere this, A dozen dozen in her place." (from a poem by John Suckling 1609-1642, the last stanza)

I remember reading this poem to Jeanette a long time ago and thinking how perfectly this applied to us meeting, and somehow knowing it was not the "accidental" meeting it could so easily have been. She truly was was a "Phantom of Delight" in every way, and as we all know she just got better every day. I believe that God too "delights" in people like Jeanette (Psalm 18:19) in much the same way we do, in fact, I'm sure even more. "In hope of eternal life, which God, who cannot lie, promised before the world began." (Titus 1:2).

Happy Birthday Mom

2007-06-28T08:55:00.000-05:00

Today my mom would have been 61. It's still hard to believe that she isn't here to whip up a Tuesday night dinner and celebrate it with us. Last year on Mom's big 60th we took her to Bennigan's for a big family dinner, then we went to Doc Ryan's for a drink. It was so much fun, everyone was in great spirits. I still can't believe this was only a couple of months before such a grim diagnosis. She never let it affect her quality of life, at least from what we could see. She pushed herself until the very end. And she made memories with us in those final months that we will never forget, despite what was happening inside of her. Just one of a million examples of what an entirely selfless person she was.

It was kind of ironic, when I left the house this morning, it was surprisingly cool and breezy... a refreshing relief amidst so many hot & humid days. It reminded me of my mom and the effect she had on everyone who loved her. No matter how bad things might seem at times, one conversation with my mom and in rushed the relief of that breeze I felt today. She was always there to encourage, love, and comfort... a true breath of fresh air when we needed it. It seemed so appropriate that her birthday be a day like today, after the brutal heat of yesterday.

When I look to the sky, and I feel that cool breeze on my face, I know she's with me. Her silent presence will always be in my heart, until we meet again in Heaven. I miss her like crazy, but I still feel her comfort and love every day. And I thank God for that.

Happy Birthday, Mom. You are SO loved and missed, every day.

The Best Dream I Ever Had

2007-06-23T23:59:00.000-05:00

Mom,

You came to me in the best dream I ever had a couple days ago. I can't get it out of my head. It was the most amazing, comforting thing that's happened to me since you left this world. You got into bed next to me. Rocky had gone to work. It was SO REAL. You were beautiful. You said you would lay with me for a while. I told you I loved you. You said you knew. You said you didn't want me to be sad. We said "I miss you" at the same time to each other. You had the longest eyelashes. I told you that you looked beautiful, because you did. You pulled me close to you and hugged me, and kissed me on my face... I FELT it, Mom. I felt that kiss on my face. I was under the thinnest veil of sleep. I said "it's like a dream", out loud in my sleep, which is what woke me. All I could do when my eyes opened was cry and say thank you, thank you, thank you, Lord... for letting you visit me, if only in a dream. You're the greatest person I ever knew, and I thank God for giving us to each other, and for every moment we had together. I love you and miss you with every beat of my heart, Mom.

Love Always,
Your Baby Girl (you said it, not me:)

Mother's Day

2007-05-04T16:48:00.000-05:00

I know Mother's Day is not exactly here yet, but I can't get it out of my mind for some reason. Each day that it draws closer I get a little more anxious. I won't even be around for Mother's Day this year because Rocky and I will be on our belated honeymoon in Mexico. We are very excited, and we know my mom will be very present in our hearts and minds during that trip, especially on May 13th. I guess part of the reason I am thinking so much about Mother's Day is because last year's was so memorable for me. And really, if I had to pick a Mother's Day to be my last with my mom, last year's would be the one I would choose.

Last year on Mother's Day I went to church with my mom, my Auntie Jayne, and my cousins, Nan, Care, & Shelley. Care and I wore our $5 bargain Old Navy "I LOVE MOM" shirts to show our mom-pride. I remember running out to the car when they picked me up and my mom just laughing and beaming when she saw my shirt. She loved it. Afterwards we went out for breakfast at IHOP and I treated her to an egg white scrambler off the guilt-free menu. Because Mother's Day or not, my mom wasn't cheating on her Weight Watchers diet, no sir! She had iron clad willpower like I've never seen! I try to take a lesson from her when junk food rears it's ugly head, but I'm still a work in progress. :) Ironically enough, a big motivation for her was fitting into the perfect dress for my wedding. It meant so much to her, I so wish she had a chance to find and wear that dress. I often joked with her that she wasn't allowed to look better than the bride, but I remember feeling so proud of her, because I knew how proud she was of herself. Even after we found out she was sick, she defended her weight loss, saying that sick or not, when she cheated, she gained weight, so don't go giving the illness all the credit. She had such a good attitude. It's hard to believe you could be so positive in such a situation, but if anyone could, it was her.

Anyway, Mother's Day last year was just fun, and I will never forget it. We laughed and talked, and had a great time together. Then later on we gathered at my parents' house with all my brothers and sisters and neices and nephews to celebrate. I don't remember what we ate, but I know that was always the one holiday where she allowed herself not to cook for us. And I'm sure it wasn't easy for her. She was just a giver. In the most extreme, true sense of the word. She gave and gave and gave until she could give no more. It just came natural to her, and she did it happily without complaint. I hope that someday God will help me become the kind of mother that she was. My kids should be so lucky!

Happy Mother's Day in Heaven, Mom. I love and miss you with every beat of my heart.

'Till we meet again,
Becky

LOVE

2007-02-14T19:28:00.000-06:00

Let me not confuse the purpose of this post to mean that I view Valentine's Day as a significant occasion where I should excercise the love I feel for the people closest to me. I think that should happen EVERY day. But for as long as I can remember, Valentine's Day has been synonymous with Love. And for as far back as I can recall, and as distant as I can imagine into the future, Love has always been, and will always be synonymous with my mom. So you can imagine why one might remind me of the other. I love my mom every day. I think about her, cherish her, and miss her EVERY day. But in the tradition of Valentine's Day, I just felt like sharing it with whoever cares to see, since my mom truly personified the meaning of the word LOVE.

Mom's First Christmas in Heaven

2006-12-21T08:42:00.000-06:00

I see the countless Christmas Trees
Around the world below
With tiny lights
Like heaven's stars
Reflecting on the snow
The sight is so spectacular
Please wipe away that tear
For I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year

I hear the many Christmas songs
That people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can't compare
With the Christmas choir up here
I have no words to tell you
The joy their voices bring
For it is beyond description
To hear the angels sing

I know how much you miss me
I see the pain inside your heart
But I am not so far away
We really aren't apart
So be happy for me dear ones
You know I hold you dear
And be glad I'm spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year

I send you each a special gift
From my heavenly home above
I send you each a memory of
My undying love
After all "love" is the gift
More precious than pure gold
It was always most important
In the stories Jesus told

Please love and keep each other
As my Father said to do
For I can't count the blessings
Or love he has for each of you

So have a Merry Christmas
And wipe away that tear
Remember I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year.

Good-bye, for now

2006-10-02T09:50:00.000-05:00

First off, I would just like to thank everyone who showed our family so much support over the past few months. It has been almost exactly two months since my mom was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer. During that time, we have gone through every emotion possible, and unfortunately, it has ended with extreme sadness. All I keep telling people is that we thank God that we had a two month warning that mom was leaving us. I don't think anyone was ready to see her go, and if it would have happened suddenly, it would have been devastating for a lot of people. I thank God we had two months to prepare ourselves.

We were all absolutely floored at the funeral as we saw tangible proof of just how many lives mom has touched. The funeral home where the memorial service was held, was literally busting at the seams as the crowd overflowed into the adjacent chapels. I think the service was exactly what mom would have wanted: Jesus-centered, just as she lived her life.

During the past few days, I cannot even count the amount of times that people have asked me if I would be OK. The answer, of course is yes. I think everyone in my family will eventually be OK. However, this experience has changed each of our lives in a countless number of ways. It's just inevitable when you lose someone who touched so many different parts of your life.

For me, my mom was my security blanket. No matter what happened to me, I knew that everything would be OK, and all it would take is a phone call to my mom. I no longer have that luxury. It was one-stop-shopping with my mom. The one person I could turn to, no matter what, and get what I needed.

She was my doctor when I was feeling sick. She was the pediatrician when the babies just wouldn't fall asleep at night. She was my #1 cheerleader at the marathon. She was Miss Hannegan when my daughter wanted to play Annie. She was my social planner for all the family events. She was my friend when I needed to vent. She was my handyman, when I just couldn't get something to work. She was my chef, every Tuesday night for dinner. She was my minister when I had doubts. She was my sounding board when I just couldn't figure something out. But most importantly, she was my mom, every day of my life.

Will I be OK? Yes, I will be, but I won't be the same. It just isn't possible. I love you mom and I miss you. Thankfully, this isn't a good-bye. I will see you again someday.

Visitation & Funeral Information

2006-09-26T15:00:00.002-05:00

Visitation for Mom will be at Steuerle Funeral Home in Villa Park from 2:30PM-9:30PM on Wednesday 9/27/2006. A memorial service will be held at 10:30AM Thursday at the funeral home. For a map and directions, click here.

Steuerle Funeral Home, Ltd.
350 South Ardmore Avenue
Villa Park, IL 60181
Phone: (630) 832-4161

Prepare a Place for Her

2006-09-26T08:03:00.000-05:00

Last night, around 11:30PM, mom ended her struggle with cancer. While everyone in the family is incredibly sad, there is also relief in the knowledge that she is no longer in pain, and she is now with the one that she always loved the most.

We will post wake and funeral arrangements as soon as we have definite plans, which will most likely be later today.

Weekend Update

2006-09-24T11:10:00.000-05:00

So much has changed since we last updated this blog. On Thursday of last week, the very difficult decision was made to officially have mom be put on hospice. The doctors were saying that the chemo was not doing much good, and the physical price that mom was paying was too much. Basically, what that means is that mom will stop taking all medication except for those things that make her comfortable. In other words, we are left giving her morphine when she needs it for pain, and some sleeping pills, when she needs to sleep.

Unfortunately, mom's condition has detioriated rather rapidly since she came home from the hospital on Tuesday. She has pretty much stopped eating all solid foods and even drinking has become quite a chore for her. We have had to switch her morphine medication to liquid form because swallowing pills has become much too difficult for her. With the discontinuation of some of the other medications, mom's ammonia levels have gradually increased again, which is causing some disoriented and confusion. She still is recongnizing faces, remembering names, and will even whisper an "I love you" when she sees new people. The thing I've learned about cancer through all this is that it doesn't take away your will to fight, it takes away your ability to fight.

While mom could not be at Becky and Rocky's wedding in person this past Friday, she was all over the place in spirit. Friday was probably the worst day mom has had physically since the original diagnosis, but she was still able to give Becky a big smile and wanted her corsage pinned on her before Becky left for the wedding. Whether it was mom's presence during the lighting of the Unity Candles, or during my sister Cathi's inspired speech at the reception, or during Bill Hayes's prayer before dinner, mom's presence was felt and embraced. I think that even the people there who had never met mom walked away with some idea of what a truly special woman she is. I also just wanted to say how proud I am of my sister and my new brother-in-law. This entire process has been extremely difficult for them, but somehow they both exhibited the selflessness and grace to show their grief and joy that they were both feeling throughout the past few weeks.

No one knows how much time mom has left on this earth. She is surrounded by love and everyone is doing all they can to make sure her days are spent as comfortable as possible. We are no longer going to have a hired nurse help with mom. Family will be with her 24 hours a day for as long as it is needed. When her eyes open, she will be greeted by the face of someone she knows and loves. We really can't think of anything else we can do right now. Please pray for mom's comfort.

Familiar Surroundings

2006-09-20T13:33:00.000-05:00

It was almost too normal, or maybe too familiar. Yesterday, sometime in the afternoon I wanted to call and see if my mom was making any progress in her trip from the hospital to her home. So I called my parents number, expecting my dad or maybe my sister to answer. Instead, it was my mom picking up the phone. For a few seconds, I forgot everything. I forgot about the cancer that was eating away at her body. I forgot about the all the pain and the frustration of the past few months. For a few seconds there, it was just me, calling the house and my mom picking up the phone, just like I've done a million times before that.

So mom did finally return home yesterday after nearly a month spent in the hospital. Other than the ambulance that transported her getting lost a little bit, the entire episode seemed to go pretty good. While we are still working out some of the little kinks with mom being home, things seem to be going good. When I saw mom for the first time, lying in her bed at home, I couldn't believe how much better she looked. Maybe it was just the soft lighting of her makeshift bedroom, but she definitely seemed more relaxed and happy. She spent most of the day awake and talking, so by the time the early evening came, she was pretty wiped out. It was definitely a big day for mom.

About 7:30PM last night, the nurse that my dad hired to take care of mom arrived. She will be living at the house from Sunday night to Friday night. On the weekends, it will be up to the family to make sure mom is taken care of. Very quickly, the nurse made quite an impression on us.

She is a Polish woman who speaks limited English but seems to read and understand it fairly well. However, what she lacks in the English department, she more than made up for with her assertiveness and expertise. Within 15 minutes of being at the house, she had already had mom sitting up on the edge of the bed and washing her, and quickly followed that up with a good massage. To be honest, I think mom was a little startled by it all. She even mentioned that she hasn't had that good of a "workout" since she's been in the hospital. The nurses at the hospital made sure mom was comfortable, but never really insisted that she move around or do anything really. Mom's new nurse has different ideas. In the first 16 hours that she has been at the house, the nurse (Jenny), has already gone shopping, cooked breakfast, and done laundry, in addition to getting up to speed on mom's medication and figuring out a good schedule for mom's daily activities.

As I've mentioned previously, mom hasn't been eating much lately. However, when the nurse came over last night, she declared that she would make sure mom would be consuming a minimum of 1000 calories every day. We all kind of chuckled at the comment, thinking that Nurse Jenny would be in for a surprise when it was actually time to get mom to eat. I mean we've all been encouraging mom to eat for over a month now, and it hasn't done much good. However, somehow, Jenny coaxed mom into eating a whole bowl of oatmeal, some polish lunchmeat, and some cantaloupe this morning, so it was everyone else who was in for the surprise. Apparently, this woman knows what she is doing. Maybe, just maybe, this is the kind of tough love that mom needs right now. We've got the other kind of love figured out already.

Homecoming

2006-09-18T09:33:00.000-05:00

This blog is becoming increasingly difficult to update in a timely fashion. It isn't that I don't want to update it. The problem is that I'm always holding out thinking that if I just wait one more hour, or one more night, I will have better information to share with everyone. I guess it's probably time to admit that we will most likely never have perfect information on exactly what is happening on all fronts with mom. Just keep in mind, that things are constantly changing with mom's condition and her treatment options. What is true today probably won't be completely accurate tomorrow...or even later today for that matter. However, this is what we know as of today, right now.

This past Saturday, mom officially got the go ahead to return home after almost a month in the hospital. While everyone was extremely excited to have mom coming home, there was also a bit of nervousness about what needed to be done before that could happen. Mom has been retaining water quite a bit lately, and the plan was to have another procedure done to have that fluid drained before she came home. However, since there was no one available at the hospital to do the procedure over the weekend, the doctor thought it was best that mom's homecoming be delayed util today. This way, she can have her stomach drained prior to coming home. Hopefully this will aleviate some of mom's discomfort and allow her to be more comfortable at home.

Mom is sleeping a lot lately. I think all of the medication that she is taking is taking it's toll on her body. For now, chemo has been suspended. While I don't think there is any official word on whether it will be resumed or not, I can't see it happening any time soon. She was able to get two cycles of chemo so far, and in both cycles, after two weeks her platelette level drop to dangerous levels. Mom's platelette has returned to safe levels once again, however at this point, it just isn't worth the risk and all the accompanying side effects to continue to try and do chemo. If mom's condition takes a turn for the better in the next few weeks, I'm sure we will revisit this.

So for now, everyone's main goal is to try and make sure mom is as comfortable as she can be while she is home. She is, for the most part, confined to the bed which means that she needs someone ready to care for her 24 hours a day. This morning, my mom and dad will be interviewing an RN who will hopefully be mom's caregiver while she is home. I think having someone at the house dedicated to only serving mom will help put everyone's mind at ease, most importantly, mom's. We will still continue to have a schedule, where family members will spend time with mom during the daylight hours to tend to all the non-critical things, not that the schedule is really necessary. I, like most people, have never been in the room with my mom by myself. She is continually being flooded with friends and family. I'll admit that I was a little worried that as time dragged on, people may find it increasingly difficult to continue to spend time with mom. That certainly has not happened yet, and now I really can't ever see that happening. She is that loved.

So for now, please pray for mom and everyone involved in her direct care. Mom's homecoming is the best thing to happen in a while, but it is also a huge challenge for a lot of people. I think everyone is up for the challenge, but I don't think a prayer or two would hurt either.

Can you Help?

2006-09-12T14:44:00.000-05:00

When we first started this blog, a little over a month ago, we had two main purposes in mind. The first was to keep everyone informed as to what is going on with mom so that the house wasn't overwhelmed with phone calls everyday looking for updates. The second, was to try and pool all the resources that are out there to help mom if something ever came up. Well now, it looks like something might be coming up.

Mom has been in the hospital for 4 weeks now, and I think everyone agrees that it's time for her to come home. She is going to continue to receive chemo treatments as an outpatient and at the very least will have a home healthcare nurse visit her a couple of times a week to make sure everything is going OK. While everyone is extremely excited for mom to come home, there also is a fair amount of uneasiness as well. Right now mom is for the most part, bed-ridden. She gets up to go to the bathroom and sits in a chair to eat, but other than that, she is mostly confined to a bed. Obviously with her in this state, she requires 24 hour supervision to ensure that whatever she needs, someone is there to help her with it.

Our first thought upon hearing mom was coming home, was that we would create a schedule where everyone would do a 4 hour shift throughout the day and then someone would sleep over each night. However, after going over this with mom, we realized that she is not comfortable with having waves of people caring for her throughout the day. A lot of the things that need to be done are of a personal nature so mom doesn't want just anyone helping her with it. We tried out some other ideas like our oldest sister Leah possibly moving in with my mom. However, mom's doctor thought that while this might be an OK short-term solution, it would probably become overwhelming for Leah long-term. If you don't already know, Leah already has 4 kids ranging in age from 3-11, and is pregnant with another set of twins. So yeah, I could see how that might be tough for her.

So after going over our options, we decided that a full-time nurse would probably be the best option. While the hospital gave us a lot leads to try out, we would like to find someone who comes with a personal recommendation. To be honest, we don't even know exactly what we're looking for. We think that we'd like the person there during the day, from about 8AM to 5PM. They would help mom administering medication, preparing meals, turning her to a new position every 2 hours, bathing, bathroom, etc.

So, is there anyone out there who might of know someone? Mom will most likely be coming home on Thursday or Friday of this week. While I think we can handle everything for a week or two, we would like to get this resolved as soon as possible. Please contact whoever you are most comfortable with in the family, email me, or post a comment in response to this entry if you think you can help in our search.

Wedding Photos

2006-09-11T13:09:00.000-05:00

You can view photos of the wedding at this site:

Click!!

Our Wedding Day!

2006-09-08T16:14:00.000-05:00

I’m MARRIED! Wow. I can hardly believe it’s real, but it’s wonderful. Today was so special, and so memorable, that I couldn’t even wait until after my mini-moon tonight to tell you all about it.

Last night I slept over at my parents’ house and this morning I got all ready in the place I grew up. It was nice, kind of how I pictured it my whole life, with the exception of my mom waking me up and getting ready with me in the morning. Last night was the night I had to cry as I dozed off to sleep because my mom wasn’t there to tuck me in and wish me sweet wedding-eve dreams. But this morning I woke up with peace in my heart and prayed all morning that today would be a day of celebration that would be thoroughly enjoyed by everyone who was a part of it. The Lord did not let me down.

When my sister Cathi & I arrived at the hospital we giggled at the spectacle surrounding us. You would not believe the surprise and awe on the faces of everyone in the surgical waiting room seeing a girl stroll by in a veil! I almost felt like it brought a little smile to some people who needed it, and that warmed my heart. And between you and me, I kind of enjoyed the attention. I felt like a girl on her wedding day SHOULD feel, and that was great.

I was so excited to see my mom!! I have been SO busy this week, between two weddings, work, and every other daily task I had hardly any time to visit my mom and I felt bad about it. But yesterday when I called her she told me not to feel that way, she doesn’t want that. And that was enough for me to stop with the self berating.

I could not believe how BEAUTIFUL she looked. Her hair, makeup, dress, jewelry… she definitely did not put an end to her foxy-Jeanette-at-her-kids-wedding streak! She was gorgeous and it just made my heart sail to look at her. I gave her the bracelet I got her that matched my own and she seemed to really love it. Once she was all ready she told me I looked beautiful and held my hand as we made our way down to the chapel.

Then I got a little nervous. I could not believe how calm I was all morning, not really feeling like it was my wedding day, and not freaking out at all. Right outside the church I got a little shaky. But still, nothing like I would have imagined… at all! I guess that’s what happens when you’re just sure. Our friend Terry Murphy, who is a gifted photographer, generously volunteered to take pictures during the service, so all those special moments were captured on film.

My dad escorted me in and gave me away to Rocky. We both kept pretty composed as we exchanged our vows and were pronounced man and wife. Maybe a few tears fell, but again, I was so surprised at how calm and peaceful and wonderful it all was. “And then he kissed me”! Anyone who has ever seen me, my mom, and dad sing before will appreciate the irony in that sentence.

Afterwards we had a wonderful little reception in a large room on my mom’s floor. My aunts, my mom’s loving, thoughtful sisters, prepared the room with flowers, decorations, and a delicious cake. Rocky’s mom & dad brought beautiful roses, some of which served as my mini-bouquet when I walked down the aisle. It was a really great time for all of us. We laughed and sang the “Rebekah” song my dad wrote for me when I was little, ate cake, and took about… oh, I don’t know… a million pictures. I can’t wait to post some of them on here for you all to see!

Eventually it was time to go, and Rocky’s parents took us, my dad, and all our brothers and sisters, and brother and sister-in-laws out for a great lunch at Anyway’s. Bill & Geri Hayes are officially my mother and father-in-law and I love them SO much! They have been nothing short of a blessing from heaven throughout this ordeal of my mom being sick. Always there for us, always eager to help, and doing anything they can to contribute to our comfort and happiness. We are so blessed. Terry Murphy arrived at the restaurant with doubles of our wedding pictures developed and in hand. Talk about 1-hour photos! We are so thankful to Terry for his generosity. Lunch was delicious but the highlight had to be the beautiful, heartfelt speech that Rocky made. I so wish we had it on video or something, but he plans to give my mom her own presentation of it, and I know she will love it. Maybe he'll even type it up and post it on the blog one of these days. I don't think I was the only one who was moved to tears. It just solidified how lucky I feel, and what a wonderful husband I’ve won.

So now, we are about to embark on our “mini-moon”… a miniature version of our honeymoon, to be had later, after September 22nd. Tonight we will have a deliciously expensive dinner that we can’t afford, and celebrate our love, and the promise of forever that we made today.

We love you all!

Treatment Update

2006-09-07T16:02:00.000-05:00

First off, I would like to apologize for being a little slow in updating this. Thankfully, the past week has been somewhat boring and routine for Mom. She has remained in the hospital, but things seemed to have stabilized for her. She responded pretty good to her first chemo treatment that she got last Tuesday. While she does suffer from some bouts of nausea from time to time, everything else seems to be OK. Her white blood count which plummeted last time she received chemo has remained stable this time around. Also her platelet level has not been an issue either. Her ammonia levels seem to be off and on, but that is more a function of the liver and not a direct result of the chemo.

So with everything checking out, Mom was able to get her second chemo treatment of this cycle yesterday. This is the one we've been waiting for. Mom had a bad reaction a few days after receiving her second chemo batch last time around, so we're hoping and praying this time it goes better. Early indications are positive. She woke up this morning with a healthy appetite and has been in good spirits all day.

The preparations for tomorrow's big wedding are in full swing and mom seems to be getting pretty excited about it. She has arrangements made to get her hair and make-up done in the morning, and she has her wedding dress all picked out. Becky and Rocky are both excited about the day and are both overjoyed that they will get to share this very special ceremony with all of their parents. While I doubt that the hospital chapel is a place that any little girl dreams of one day getting married in, I'm fairly certain that for Becky and Rocky, tomorrow will be nothing short of perfect.

Wedding Update

2006-09-05T08:54:00.000-05:00

As most of our friends and family are aware, my fiancé Rocky and I are getting married in a couple of weeks. A big goal of my mom’s has been to be in the front row on this special day. I want to say first and foremost that I have every bit of hope that this will still be possible. But we have come to face the reality that counting on that level of strength and energy out of her right now is probably not fair to her. We don’t want to seem pessimistic by ANY means, but this is something that has weighed extremely heavy on our minds and hearts over the past week or so.

Anyone who knows my mom knows that she is the most selfless person in the world, and all she wants is what’s best for everyone else. She has always put the wants and needs of her family before her own. I want to put HER desires first this time, and I know she wants to see me get married as much as I want her there. Both Rocky and I want to make sure that happens no matter what, because right now her happiness is our happiness. So while our hope and prayer is that God will give her the strength to be sitting up front on September 22nd, we have decided that we would rather have her see us married twice, than take the chance that she might not be able to see it at all.

On Friday morning, September 8th, Rocky and I are getting married in the Elmhurst Memorial Hospital chapel. It’s going to be a small, intimate service, just immediate family and the pastor. The chapel is very small, with only about 12 seats, so it will be standing room only. But all that matters to us is that my mom is able to see her baby girl get married (when I go see her lately she always says “my baby”, it's so sweet). That means anywhere, any way, no matter how big or small. Her presence will be a gift, and that will make our wedding day complete. We are still going to have our ceremony and reception on the 22nd, and I pray that those of you attending will all have the pleasure of seeing my mom that day. But even if for some reason she isn’t up to it, we will have peace in our hearts knowing she was there for the real deal. And I know she will feel the same way.

I really can’t put into words how much my mom means to me. She is the most influential person to ever touch my life, and I am a better person because I have her as a mother. As much as I try to explain it, I’ll never be able to measure my love for her in words. It’s just not of this vocabulary. I pray with all my heart as I enter this new chapter in my life, that I will be as good a wife to Rocky, and mother to the children we will have someday, as she has been to my dad and all of us kids. It’s a lofty goal, but I have a great teacher.

Happy Anniversary!!!

2006-08-31T13:32:00.000-05:00

No, we're not celebrating the one month anniversary of mom's diagnosis, although I suppose that falls on today as well. No, today is a real celebration. It's my Mom and Dad's 37th Wedding Anniversary. Dad greeted mom bright and early this morning with some flowers and a Happy Anniversary balloon, and mom was all smiles. Actually, mom has been in good spirits all morning. She's been very talkative and energetic and her appetite seems to be good too.

Last night, she recieved her first chemo treatment since her return trip to the hospital. They lowered the dosage to try and limit the side effects and while it is still extremely early, it seems to be going good. With this new approach (described here), mom will recieve the chemo treatments more frequently. This became very clear to mom this afternoon, as she learned that she had recieved her second chemo treatment in as many days this morning. She says she must be getting good at this chemo stuff, because she didn't even realize she was getting it until it was over.

But enough about the treatment for today. Today isn't about the cancer. It's about celebrating the two people who showed me what true love is. My parents marriage has always been the one thing that I could always look at as rock solid and good. Here it is, 37 years later (well, I guess 33 years later for me), and it is still is as solid and good as ever. Here's to you Mom and Dad. We all love you both more than we could ever put into words!

Wednesday Update

2006-08-30T10:34:00.000-05:00

Last night was a big night for our family. We met with the doctor who has been treating our mom. First she gave us the rundown of everything that has been going on lately. In a nutshell, most of the problems that my mom has been experiencing have been caused by one of two things. The first main problem is that her liver isn't functioning properly, as a result of the cancerous tumors that have developed there. The high ammonia levels, the water retention, and the confusion are all a result of this problem. The second problem was her reaction to the chemo. She had an alarmingly low platelet count and her white blood cell count was also low, which were both direct reactions to the chemo. These have both returned to normal levels now, so it was now time to decide what mom wanted to do as far as treatment going forward. It is kind of a catch-22 really. The only way to improve the functioning of the liver is to try and get the tumors under control, but the only way to do that is through more chemo, which may introduce more problems.

First of all, mom will receive a paracentesis today at 11AM, which is basically a drainage of the fluids that have built up in her abdomen. This will relieve some of the pressure she is feeling in her midsection and will hopefully allow her to eat and feel a little better. This is important because mom is going to need her strength.

After much thought, discussion, and prayer mom has decided to give the chemotherapy another shot. This time they will reduce the dosage of the main chemo agent, Gemzar, to about 75% of the original dosage. This will hopefully limit the side-effects, but still be enough to hinder the growth of the tumors. They will give her the next treatment either later today or early tomorrow, depending on how she recovers from the paracentesis. Once the chemo is administered, mom will spend at least a few more days in the hospital so they can monitor her blood levels and make sure she doesn't have anymore adverse reactions to it. If she doesn't, a decision will be made about going home or staying at the hospital.

This is obviously a very big day for our mom. As always, if you pray, we could use your prayers. Mom's words to me this morning were as follows:

"I'm a fighter. If I just stopped chemo after the first set-back that I had, I would feel like I'm quitting, and that's not me."

So she is going to continue to fight. We ask that you support her in her battle.

Monday Update

2006-08-29T10:34:00.000-05:00

It seems that most of mom's problems right now are being caused by problems with her liver. Her legs and abdomen have both been experiencing some pretty significant swelling in the past few days. This is what we could find on the condition:

Fluid retention in the legs and abdomen -- The liver produces a protein, called albumin, that holds fluid in blood vessels. When the blood level of albumen falls, fluid seeps out of the tissues into the legs and abdomen, causing edema (fluid accumulation) and swelling.

To try and counteract the swelling the doctors have greatly reduced the amount of fluids she is taking in through her IV. If that doesn't seem to help, they will most likely have to drain the fluids manually, as it is becoming rather uncomfortable for mom.

Also, the ammonia levels in mom's blood are rather high, which is also an indication that her liver isn't functioning properly. The liver normally converts ammonia into urea, which is then eliminated in urine. Ammonia levels in the blood rise when the liver is not able to convert ammonia to urea. The outward effect of this elevated ammonia level is a very sleepy, disoriented, and sometimes confused mom. If you do go and visit mom, she will occasionally slip in and out of the conversation and won't always make perfect sense. If you just go with the flow and let her keep her talking, eventually you will start to figure out where she is coming from. Fortunately, there is a medication that mom is taking that will hopefully lower the ammonia levels and help mom regain some mental acuity.

Mom's appetite seems to come and go. It seems that her appetite is the greatest in the morning and then kind of fades as the day goes on. With the amount of nutrients that she is taking in through the IV being greatly reduced, her eating has taken on more importance. Becky visited her this morning and says that she seemed to be more aware and sharp than she has been lately. Also, she wolfed down a good portion of her breakfast, which is great.

Her platelet levels are back to normal and her lungs still look good, which are positives. However, perhaps the most amazing thing I saw yesterday was when one of mom's friends came to visit her while just Kelly and I were there. This was a woman who my mom knew from childhood, and they kept in contact because they both worked at the hospital. She heard my mom was in the hospital so she came to pay her a visit. She had no idea that my mom wasn't totally with it, so she was just talking to her normally. Then my mom started asking questions to her. Things that to me, didn't make much sense, and I assumed they didn't make much sense to the woman either. But the woman knew what my mom was talking about. Apparently, the woman recently lost her husband to cancer and my mom was asking her how he was treated during his stay at the hospital, and how she was doing now. Soon the woman was crying and telling mom how much she loved her husband and how she missed him. My mom just held her hand and let her talk, and suddenly things were normal again. There mom was, comforting someone, just like she always has. I don't know why I was even surprised. Mom is always at her best when she is serving others. She truly is amazing.

Sunday with My Mom

2006-08-28T04:45:00.000-05:00

I spent most of the day Sunday with my mom and my aunt, Kathy Tincu. Mom has been acting a bit confused the past couple of days, so it is important that she not be alone. If you are on the at-home schedule and have a scheduled time to be with her, please transfer that time over to the hospital. If you can't make it for the scheduled time, please let George or one of her children know right away so we can make other arrangements. It is very important that she not be alone right now.

The last we'd heard, mom's platelet count was alarmingly low at 26,000. I say alarmingly low because a low platelet count means that if she were to cut herself or fall down and start bleeding, her body would not be able to effectively stop the bleeding. That's what platelets do. As I was leaving yesterday, I was able to speak to a nurse and get an update on her platelet count. The news was good- they are back UP to 89,000! That is MUCH MUCH better, the goal is to get them up to 100,000 according to the nurse. Hopefully they will continue to rise. Chemo has been put on hold until things get back to "normal" again.

Probably the most disturbing thing going on is the confusion mom is experiencing. I hesitate to use the word "confusion" because she often says things that seem to not make sense, but if you wait long enough you will understand. For example, yesterday she kept telling me she was a pretend patient. I obviously didn't understand what she meant and thought she was just mixed up, but later that night when my dad came he told me that the night before her doctor had come in and said "Well, it's time for me to play doctor- will you be my pretend patient?" So she was referring to that joke, but to me it seemed like an off the wall comment. Another time she was saying that someone needed to help "that guy" with his radio, that he couldn't make it work and she wanted to just get up and do it herself. When I questioned her, she would vauguely point over into the corner and refer to "that guy" again. Later on I heard the man across the hall complaining in a loud voice that he couldn't get his radio to work. She wasn't able to give me the details I needed in either case to understand the background of what she was talking about, but she was perfectly aware of what she meant both times. She just forgot that I wasn't there for the orignal incident.

Mom slept most of the afternoon, which seems to be a pattern with her. She was awake from noon until 2pm or so and talkative. At one point the nurse came in and washed her up and put her on the couch with the vanity table in front of her. I went next door to the lounge to give her some privacy while the nurse washed her, and when I came back there she was putting on her makeup from liquid eyeliner to lipgloss. I was fascinated watching her expertly apply all the different stuff and when she was done she really looked fantastic! She then proceeded to get into bed and fall sound asleep for 3 hours. But boy did she look great!

After she woke up, a few of her friends from the Family Birthing Center visited, and she was very happy to see them. I know that some of you hospital friends are hesitating to visit because you don't want to intrude on family time. Please don't feel that way. She loves you all, and it makes her happy to see you, it's obvious. If you have time to stop by, just ask whoever is with her if she's sleeping or awake. If she is awake, you are more than welcome to come in and visit!! Mom's friend Patty spent much of the early morning with her on Sunday and that was wonderful because nobody else was able to come. If it hadn't been for Patty, she would have been all alone. Thank you, Patty, for keeping her safe. You are a wonderful friend.

Well that's all. I wish I had more to say about her condition, but I didn't talk to any doctors yesterday. They don't know what is causing the confusion, and the nurse didn't have any good guesses. Hopefully the doctor will be by today (Monday) to shed some more light on things. Thanks for reading!!

Relatively Good News

2006-08-26T17:24:00.000-05:00

Sorry to those of you who check this blog daily. It has been somewhat of a hectic day for many of us and this is the first opportunity we've had to post. I say this as my two-year-old tears through our bills behind me. So be it! I have never been fond of those anyway...

More on the topic, the test results came back on the two cultures taken to test for the c-difficile virus and they were both negative. A throat culture had also been taken to check for Strep. The rapid version of the test came back negative. The longer version of the strep test could take up to 3 days so we are still waiting to hear those results. While it is a little unsettling to think that the chemo is the reason she became so ill she had to be hospitalized, it is comforting to know that there isn't an infection to worry about in addition to the chemo treatment and her already compromised immune system.

We have not heard much about the status of her future chemo treatment. The doctor has put the next dose in holding status until her current issues are under control. The doctor is on call today, and when I visited earlier I was told she is going to "make her rounds" and visit with all of her patients. I am hopeful that Mom will have at least one visitor present to report the conversation to us.

Another good piece of news is that Mom's white blood cell count is back up. Interpretation: still wash your hands and be cautious not to introduce her to any germs, but you don't have to check in with the nurse to see if you can even go in. The not-so-good news is her platelets are still low, which mostly means that the staff must take bleeding precautions if they should need to give her a shot or take a blood sample. Good thing she has a port for most of that stuff. Unfortunately for Mom, this also means she cannot shave her legs, at least not for now...maybe tommorow this will also change in her favor.

She remains in a bit of a groggy state, although she is still in good spirits and definitely has periods of complete alertness. I think we all tend to feel as though we've won something just to be there for moments like those! Our soon-to-be-brother-in-law, Rocky, gave her a fleece Sox blanket today which he won at the game last night. This brought a BIG smile to her sweet face. You could tell how much she liked it because she was very particular about how it was arranged on her, so that it displays nicely when people come to visit. As I've said, she has not lost any of her spark!

Today's Update

2006-08-24T10:07:00.000-05:00

Mom is still in the hospital and has been moved out of the intermediate care area and onto the Oncology floor. She has been put up in a nice private rooms, right next to a nice little lounge room that is set-up with little kiddie tables, TVs, and everything that a grandchild would love. Mom's Doctor said it was OK for the grandkids to visit, which wasn't possible during mom's first visit to the hospital.

Mom has recently started to experience a lot of itching on her arms & legs. They have given her some Benedryl to try and counteract the initial reaction. They have also ordered all "allergen-free" bed linens for her new room, with the hope that it is a simple reaction and nothing more.

The reason mom originally had to go back to the doctors is because she was in a lot of pain, was throwing up, and had diarrhea. Her pain level is improving, but it's still not where it needs to be if she wants to go home. It's hard to tell exactly how much pain mom is in, because she's such a tough person, but the doctors are still trying to figure out the source. The hope is to have a definitive answer within the next two days, but the early leanings seem to be that this is some sort of infection, most likely C-Difficile.

Again, at this point, this is just an educated guess and not the official diagnosis. The results should be available tonight or tomorrow (24-48 hrs), and then they can hopefully work on fixing it. While mom is still having bouts with diarrhea, the throwing up seems to be under control for now.

When comparing the CT scans done on August 1st with the ones done on August 22nd, the liver looks like it has more lesions on it. While this isn't the most encouraging news in the world, this does not necessarily mean that the chemo is not doing its job. The doctor said she has to work through the infection first and get mom past that before she can start making decisions or drawing conclusions about the chemo's effect and treatment going forward. The chemo session scheduled for tomorrow is still a possibility, although there is a very real possibility that it will have to be suspended until mom can get rid of the infection.

On a more positive note, the doctor was impressed with mom's labs. Many things were better today than they were when she was first in the hospital. The way that the swelling just resolved itself in her legs was also very encouraging. It's difficult to figure out where everything is right now, but the one thing we do know is mom is where she needs to be right now. The hospital can offer the care and comfort that she simply cannot get at home at this point. Hopefully, with a few more days, we will start to get some clarity on everything.

Mom looks much better today than she did two days ago when she was forced back into the hospital. The color in her face has returned and she is starting to become more active. Last night, our sister Cathi presented her with a scrapbook that all of the kids put together. Each kid included pictures of their family and some little notes and pictures. Mom really loved it, as we knew she would. I think she is kind of exhausted right now with all the medical talk and just wants to enjoy her time with anyone who stops by. If you do happen to see her, here's a tip...don't bore her with the doctor talk. As always, mom wants to talk about you.

An AMAZING Benefit Concert Turnout

2006-08-23T11:27:00.000-05:00

I don't even know how to begin this entry, because putting into words the amount of love and generosity I saw displayed last night would not be possible. To say the very least, last night's benefit concert at the Arabian Knights Barn was a success beyon what we could have imagined.

My job was clicking the counter as each person paid when they entered the Barn, after which Lauren would draw a cute little "J" on each person's hand. The number kept rising. 100, 200, almost 300 clicks, and little J's later, we could hardly believe the turnout on a Tuesday with such short notice! Upon entrance, an employee of the Barn collected the $10 entry fee, the majority of which went to our mom's cause. But I lost count of how many people said "where can I bring the rest of my donation?". So aside from the $10 cost of the ticket, so many people wanted to do something more.

We had a table set up where people could read our blog updates, take a thank you flyer with the blogspot website on it, write little encouraging notes to my mom, look at pictures, or make a donation to her cancer fund. Aside from this, one of our brother Georgie's friends, Jess, has this amazing mother who was walking around the entire night with a bucket asking for donations from everyone she talked to. Which I think by night's end was... well, everyone. Many thanks to her for that effort, we are truly grateful. The big white donation box from the table has not even yet been opened yet and we have already counted over $3500 in donations!! And let me tell you, this big white box is BIG and FULL from what I could tell. Also towards the end of the night a life sized signed poster of The Plain White T's and the other bands (donated by a club owner who designed it, printed it and drove it in from Lacrosse, WI where he lives. 8 hours round trip, he never met my Mom, just a kind-hearted man who wanted to show his support) was auctioned off to the highest bidder, which ended up being the Arabian Knights Barn at $375 bucks!! That entire amount went to my mom. Amazing. A huge thank you to the Barn!

The bands all gave awesome performances, and the crowd was very warm and receptive to all of them. I always enjoy watching my brothers perform, so that was just an added treat for me. Our brother Daniel's last song of The Fold's set was my favorite, as it was a very pretty, accoustic song called Stay. This is not a new song and was not written about my mom that I know of, but one line kept ringing in my head and giving me the chills: "Stay where you are, time will pass as this falls away". Originally the lyrics are slightly different ("time will pass as they fall away") but I think I noticed he changed it up a little, maybe so it could be directed to our mom, and I liked it. It was encouraging and beautiful and I was very proud. And if it wasn't on purpose, well... good change up anyway, Dan! The show was video taped and many pictures were taken, so hopefully my mom can experience it as though she was there.

The final band to perform, the Plain White T's, has been a force on the local band scene for many years now, and they have been growing bigger and bigger in popularity as time has passed. They now tour nationally and are getting regular radio play on the biggest radio station in Los Angeles! Tom Higgenson is the front man of this band, and he went to high school with us, in Daniel's class. We used to be in plays together back in the day, and him and Daniel ran in the same circles, so my mom knew him during those younger years. Tom was in a bad car accident several years ago and he was hurt pretty badly. When he was in the hospital my mom came to visit him. She brought him a Bible and prayed with him. Obviously Tom was touched by this, as he told this story last night to all of his fans, friends, and family, and used his notoriety among the Plain White T's following, to encourage everyone to open their pockets and give my mom something back. I was so grateful and touched by this, as it goes to show you that little gestures like the one my mom extended are always remembered. I hope Tom and the T's will check this blog so I can tell them again... Thank you for being so kind, and sharing what a wonderful person our mom is with so many people who may not know.

As Greg said in his entry, you normally can't equate money with love. It won't cure my mom's cancer, as only God can do that. But in this situation, it was the act of donating money that showed us the love, generosity, and eagerness to help from SO many! It is sure to touch my mom's heart and hopefully give her some added strength to keep fighting this battle. This money will go to good use, on a woman who really, truly deserves it. So to all who came out last night, and opened your hearts and your wallets... thank you, thank you, thank you, from ALL of us! This night of encouragement and support came at a time when we really needed it. We love you and thank God for you.

What we know...

2006-08-23T09:25:00.000-05:00

Well, unfortunately, we don't know a lot, but we have more information than we had yesterday. After piecing together little tidbits of information that various people shared with me, I think this is a pretty good recap of where we are right now.

The doctors seem to think that yesterday's episode was most likely caused by one of two things; A side effect of chemo or an infection. Additionally, when mom first came to the ER yesterday, she was extrememly dehydrated and her blood was showing very low levels of white plateletts and elocrolytes. However, after retesting, the doctor said her blood was not nearly as "low" as the doctors thought when they re-drew it. The earlier numbers were in error, which is good news. So for the time being, we are in a holding pattern. Hopefully today will bring some answers. They did do some tests on her lungs and those look good. There was some fear that there could be fluid build-up which could complicate things.

They did another CT scan and mentioned that her liver enzymes looked better than a few weeks ago at the hospital, which is possible sign that the chemo is having some positive effects. The swelling in mom's legs has pretty much gone away which could also be an indication of some progress. Once we get CT scan results back it could shed some light on this, but the doctors stressed not to put too much stock in a CT scan that is done this early. After all, we're only on day 10 of her chemo regimen, and medically speaking, that really isn't much time for the chemo to work.

So for now, Mom is resting in intermediate care. She is doing much better than she was yesterday morning and has even started walking around by herself. Most of the new pain from yesteday is gone, but she is still extremely tired. The hope is that with a few more days in the hospital she can get everything straightened out and regain her strength.

Becky is going to be writing about the great benefit concert that my two younger brothers put on yesterday. For some reason, I keep thinking back to the end of "It's a Wonderful Life." While I hate to equate monetary donations with love, in this case, it was fairly obvious that the two went hand in hand. Everyone just wants to do something, anything to help this wonderful woman.

I leave you with this quote, from Uncle Billy in "It's a Wonderful Life." You can change the name to Jeanette and it's dead-on:

Uncle Billy: She told a few people you were in trouble and they scattered all over town collecting money. They didn't ask any questions — just said: "If George is in trouble — count on me." You never saw anything like it.

Harry Bailey: A toast to my big brother George: The richest man in town!

Treatment Update #4

2006-08-22T10:10:00.000-05:00

So it seems these updates have been filled with optimism and have had mostly good news since the initial diagnosis Unfortunately, today I have to share some not so good news. This morning when my mom woke up, she was in a lot of pain and started throwing up and had diarrhea pretty much anytime she tried to move out of her bed. After talking with the doctor, it was decided that the hospital was the best place for her to be today. So an ambulance came and got her and brought her back to Elmhurst Hospital where they'll try and figure out what is causing this. At this point, we don't know if this is just a reaction to the chemotherapy or something more serious. Becky, my dad, and mom's sisters are at the hospital with her right now.

As always, we could use your prayers. We will update this with more information as we get it.

Getting Organized - Part Deux

2006-08-21T09:09:00.000-05:00

Last night my sisters, sister-in-laws, aunts, and myself had a meeting where we put together a schedule covering who will be with my mom which days & times each week, as well as a list of chores we will cover on a weekly basis at my parents house, meal coverage, medicine schedules and organization, etc. To say the least, it was very productive!

Our finalized schedule ensures that someone is always there to help my mom with whatever she needs from early each morning, to at least 8pm each night. We divided each day into timeslots that all of us "signed up" for. While some of us work during the week days, we are free in the early mornings and evenings, and vice versa. We also signed up for various household chores, from dusting, to vacuuming, to grocery shopping. And we're going to teach my dad and Georgie how to do their own laundry. It should be an educational week! So anyway, it worked out quite nicely. Aside from all this I'm sure there will still be "unscheduled" visitors, and of course, my dad will be there most of the time. But we do want to encourage my dad to feel comfortable leaving to get things done with his real estate and not worry that he is leaving my mom alone. We've got her covered, she will never be alone, that's for sure!

Now my mom might look at this and think we are making a fuss about covering every base. But rest assured mom, this schedule is not just to cover time slots, but also to LIMIT us from being with you every second of the day, all at once. We love you that much, and cherish every possible second we can spend with you. We need to be contained! :)

On a side note, I (and I know everyone else would second this) want to say a very special and heartfelt thank you to our sister-in-law Lauren for organizing last night's meeting, and putting together nice printed out packets with the weekly schedule, chore list, medicine schedule, & phone number list so we can all reach each other. She might be bashful reading this, but it had to be said that she has gone so above and beyond in her love for my mom, and her eagerness to tackle the task of getting things organized. She couldn't do more if it were her own mother, and we are so blessed to have her as a part of our family. Of course EVERYONE is a blessing and is doing so much to help, I just thought she deserved a special mention for last night alone! She is also using her graphic design talents for a lot of things that will contribute to making tomorrow night's benefit show extra special. So again, kudos to Lauren. That Daniel is one lucky guy. We love you!

A Benefit Show for Mom!

2006-08-19T13:13:00.000-05:00

**JEANETTE CASTADY CANCER BENEFIT CONCERT** This coming Tuesday in Willowbrook, IL @ The Arabian Knights Barn (6526 Clarendon Hills Rd) w/ Plain White T's, The Fold, Scissors and Michaelane. Starts at 6 PM. $10, ALL proceeds go to Jeanette Castady's Cancer Fund.

Treatment Update #3

2006-08-19T12:16:00.000-05:00

Mom finished her second chemo session yesterday. Once again, no real problems to report on that. Her blood work came back good, which is a good sign. Apparently, with chemo there is a risk that the white blood count can get low. That hasn't happened with Mom. They did mention that the sodium was a little low. This was most likely caused by mom drinking too much water. From now on, she promises to "Be Like Mike" and supplement her water with Gatorade or some such drink.

She has one more chemo session scheduled for next week and then the first cycle will be officially over. At that point, they will run a series of tests to see if the chemo is doing it's job yet. If it is, there is a decent chance that radiation can start on the tumor in her pancreas. That will hopefully help reduce some of the pain that she has been experiencing in her midsection.

From there, she will continue on a three week on, one week off schedule with the chemo. The only exception to this rigid schedule will be Friday, September 22nd. That is the day that our sister Becky is getting married. Mom will skip that day's session and make it up the following day. Apparently, she's afraid that the chemo session might interfere with her dancing the night away, and we can't let that happen.

Taking the Good With the Bad

2006-08-18T14:57:00.000-05:00

First, I just want to thank everyone for their prayers and well wishes. You have all been so wonderful, and we are thankful for each and every one of you.

Now, I want to use this entry as an opportunity to shed some positive light on all of this. Out of every terrible, heartbreaking situation, I have learned that good things can come too. While my mom having cancer is the worst, most painful nightmare I've ever endured, it has also caused some very amazing things to happen all around us. It has turned lives around, caused people to embrace the Lord and turn away from their selfish habits, and brought an already close family even closer. I speak for myself personally when I say that my own selfish pursuits are of not of the world I now live in. God is working in my life, and working in the lives of so many people around me.

Not only that, but I've never, EVER in my life seen such an outpouring of love and support first hand! There is nobody who doesn't want to help, whether it's lending an ear, a shoulder to cry on, a home cooked meal, or most importantly, a prayer. If I had a nickel for every person who has offered to help, I would be a very rich person. But I feel rich anyway. Rich in love, from God, to my family & friends, to complete strangers who are praying for us. And despite the pain she is in, I know my mom is beaming inside at the changes she is seeing in our lives. It's been her prayer for a lot longer than any of us probably even know. Today I just feel very encouraged, and full of hope, and I hoped that might be contagious for anyone reading. Keep praying! :)

It's All About the Timing

2006-08-18T10:09:00.000-05:00

I just got done telling my sister-in-law, Kelly, how it went last night in presenting the "new & improved" med sheet, which I have taken on as my personal challenge, to my Mom. As in the previous times, we changed it here and there mostly for the times that she takes things. As we went through a typical day's pill-schedule, she says to me, in classic Mom-style, "well I know what this says, but let me tell you what I actually do..." This is her very sweet way of saying "this needs a little more revision Cathi!" I responded that the trick is to put what you "do" on the spreadsheet, so lets do it! So it had to be revised again.

There are so many hidden issues with the pills I didn't realize. Some meds need to be taken on an empty stomach, others with a meal, and one is "2 hours after dinner." Talk about rigid! It's all about timing them!!! Two meds taken w/ food were an hour apart and both were for swelling, so it is not realisitic to think that w/ her appetite she will eat twice in an hour. Plus, she doesn't want to take pills for the same thing so close together. Anyway, it is something she just doesn't "do" so we found a better time to take that pill.

At least we found some flexibility in her once per day pills. My sister Leah suggested a daily sheet where the hours of the day are on the left instead of the days of the week, for her quick reference so that if she is snoozing she can quickly glance at it to see if anything is due right then. I believe this will be extremely helpful for her, and we can still use the other one with the more specific information on it. I already made the daily version and faxed it to her this morning to see how she likes it. I will have this down to a science yet!

Getting Organized

2006-08-17T11:10:00.000-05:00

The newest challenge that has arisen is figuring out the best (read simplest) way to ensure that mom is taking all of her medication at the right time, and in the right dosage. While this may seem like a relatively simple thing at first glance, if you take a look at the spreadsheet that our sister Cathi worked extremely hard to put together to track it all, you will quickly find that there is nothing simple about it. Mom is taking 11 different pills every day, at 9 different times thoughout the day, and that isn't even counting the "as needed" pain pills, which she can take, you guessed it, as needed.

Then there are special pills that need to be taken right before after chemo treatment to help prevent nauseau. In reading the warning label of that drug, it lists the possible side-effects:

"The most common side effects of EMEND are tiredness, nausea, hiccups, constipation, diarrhea, loss of appetite, headache, and hair loss."

Hmmm...you'd think that they would try and find an anti-nausea drug that didn't cause nausea, wouldn't you? But I digress.

On the homefront, our Dad's office has been converted into a mini-bedroom for the time being and an adjustable hospital bed has been moved in there to allow mom to elevate her legs as needed. She has been experiencing quite a bit of swelling in her lower legs ever since she has been released from the hospital last week. The doctors aren't treating it as a big deal, so we are trying to keep it in perspective. It is very possible that it is just the result of a woman who has been constantly on the move for 60 years, suddenly being confined to a bed for most of the day. Once she gets some strength back and can move around a little more, everyone is assuming that the swelling will go away.

Mom's second Chemo session is scheduled for tomorrow. She tolerated the first one extremely well, and we're hoping for more of the same tomorrow. Thanks to all for your prayers and thoughts.

A little rhyme running through my head...

2006-08-16T16:54:00.000-05:00

I’d give everything I have to take this burden from you.
I would walk a million miles if you said you needed me to.
I don’t understand how you’re doing it,
How you’re enduring it, through and through.
I just want you to know, there’s nothing at all
That I wouldn’t do for you.
******************************************************
I love her so much.

Information Overload

2006-08-16T11:30:00.000-05:00

This cancer business is tough, and I guess that's part of the problem, there is a definite business side to it. Sometimes it's hard to figure out where the facts end and the business begins.

When we found out that my mom was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer, I think all of her kids instantly jumped on the computer to try and find out as much about this type of cancer that they could find. We learned about how the doctors would treat it. We learned about procedures to help ease her pain. We learned about primary treatments, we learned about alternatives treatments, we learned about supplement treatments. We learned as much as we could as quickly as we could. We talked to cancer survivors, who all had ideas about what helped them. We talked to doctors. We talked to family members who cared for loved ones who were struck with cancer.

At the end of the day, we had accumulated a ton of knowledge, but a lot of it conflicted with each other. Some people said you need to alter your diet to give your body the best chance of fighting off the cancer. Others said you should eat whatever you want, and that it's just the total calories consumed that are important. Some people suggested we go to one of the big specialized cancer centers for treatment, others thought the established mainstream teaching hospitals were best.

And then there are the "wonder drugs." If you go on the web and start searching for cancer treatments, it won't be long until your turned on to these wonder drugs that supposedly kill cancer cells and cure patients. Things like Essiac Tea, Careseng, Tian Xian, and other pricey options are all over the place. However, finding actual facts on these products usually proves to be a pretty fruitless undertaking. Sure you can find survival stories and even important sounding doctors with M.D.'s attached to the end of their name endorsing the product. But usually these people are all somehow associated with the same website selling the product. Are they real experts and survivors, or are they paid endorsers? My skeptical side says don't believe it, but I want so bad for the claims to be true. I want there to be hope.

I wonder, is that what is being sold on those websites? Hope? The one common thing that I have found among people who beat cancer is that they all have a strong spirit and underlying feeling that they can beat this. The never give up hope. Perhaps some people are just born with this, maybe some people need to get that hope from medicine, but they have it. For my mom, I know where she gets her hope, and she doesn't have to spend a dime to get it. If you look in the top drawer of most hotels you'll find a copy of my mom's hope medicine. God's Word is my mom strength, and it is the sole source of her hope.

At the end of the day, when we were going over all the treatment options for our mom, we did what we always did. We asked simply asked her. And just like always, our mom showed us, in her simple confident ways, what we were going to do. She was going to eat what she wanted, but we all knew she has always been a sensible, healthy eater, so chances are eating what she wanted to eat would be just fine. She felt comfortable with her doctor at Elmhurst and wanted to receive treatment there. And then she reminded us that it isn't the chemo or the medicine that would cure her. It is God's healing hand that will decide her future, and there is no insurance referral needed for that treatment (Thank God for that...but that's another blog entry entirely).

Of course, we can't keep things that simple. We're still investigating and searching for the thing that is gonna help her. So we ask you, what have you heard? Do you have experience with a food or alternative treatment that worked for someone you know (or even yourself)? If so, we'd love to hear your story. I had the comment section accidentally locked down when I first started doing this, but I have since opened it up, so please comment with whatever you have on your mind.

Treatment Update #2

2006-08-14T09:35:00.000-05:00

I guess in the grand scheme of things, it was a good weekend for our mom. On Friday we assumed that the port would get put in on Saturday and then we'd wait until Monday before Mom would get her first Chemotherapy treatment. However, due to a few people working extremely hard on my Mom's behalf, she was able to get the port put in on Saturday morning and then recieved her first chemo treatment later that same day. Going forward, mom will recieve one does of Gemzar per week, most likely administered on Fridays, and then she will take an oral medication of Tarceva everyday.

I think everyone was very interested in seeing how Mom would react to the first batch of Gemzar. From what we can tell, there doesn't seem to be any real significant side effects yet. Her appetite is, if anything, better now than it was prior to recieving her first dose. She has been in good spirits, but is still tired, most likely related to the pain medication that she is taking.

Mom is still being surrounded by love and is getting regular visits from friends, family, and pretty much anyone else who has heard the news. While I wish that I could have found this out under different circumstances, I must say that it is truly inspiring to see how my mom has touched and impacted so many people's lives.

Praying for a Miracle

2006-08-12T11:41:00.000-05:00

"No, No, No, No, No! Not her! Why God? Why her?" Noises of anguish came out of me that I’ve never heard before as I wept and uttered these words over and over on the fateful day my Mom’s diagnosis was confirmed. I will admit that I am still guilty of this from time to time. After all, this is happening to a person who has never done anything but take care of herself and many others all of her life. How could she be sick like this? I am sure that she is one person who deserves to take her walks around the neighborhood and play "dogs" with her grandkids for at least another couple of decades. It’s not fair!

Yet nothing will change this. I can cry and challenge God’s Plan all day long, but she is still going to struggle with this disease at the end of the day. So I’ve come to realize that I must channel my energies in a different direction. By following my Mom’s good example, which she’s given me so many times throughout my life, I need to trust in God and have faith that He loves this beautiful person as much as any of us and she is not alone in this uphill battle. It is not up to us, after all.

Please continue to join together in prayer for my Mom. Let’s all give back to the woman who lives to give and pray for her continued strength in body, mind, and spirit. Since faced with the reality of this disease, her faith in God has been so unwavering, I have no doubt that her source of strength comes from this faith. The fact that He created such an extraordinary woman to begin with should show us all that there are such things as miracles!

Treatment Update #1

2006-08-11T22:16:00.000-05:00

I think, at least for the short-term we have a treatment plan in place. Tomorrow, August 12th, Mom will be going into Elmhurst Memorial Hospital to get a port catheter inserted into her upper chest. This will be used to inject the drugs that she will be taking as part of her chemotherapy regime. She can also use the same port if they need to draw blood or for pretty much any other procedures that they would normally be sticking her skin with a needle. It isn't much, but it's one small thing that can be done to help make things easier.

The port catheter "installation" procedure is a simple out-patient procedure that should only take a couple of hours. Then the real stuff begins. Once the port procedure is done, Mom will receive her first dose of Gemzar and Tarceva, which in layman's terms means that chemo will officially begin tomorrow. Hopefully we will also learn tomorrow what the plan is as far as dosage and frequency for the chemo treatments.

In addition to the chemotherapy, Mom will also start radiation treatment on the big tumor that is attacking her pancreas in the next week or two. We're still waiting for a definitive date on that one. The goal of the radiation treatment is to decrease the size of the tumor in her pancreas which will hopefully help with the pain that she is experiencing. The delay in starting radiation is to let the chemo do some work on the tumors on her liver first. Then we go to work on the pancreas.

Outside of the professionals, mom is getting a steady dose of visitors and well-wishers at the house. Mom still has that glow about her, and you can feel her strength when you are in her presence. She is truly amazing. Her daughters and daughter-in-laws have whipped together a schedule so that one of them is there every morning an hour or two and every night as well. They are helping with whatever they can while they're there, but most importantly just trying to keep the medication straight.

The one challenge that we are continuing to face, is trying to make sure mom is getting enough food and nutrients. She doesn't have much an appetite, and when she eats she starts to feel nauseas, so we don't have that quite worked out yet. If anyone out there has any suggestions, we'd love to hear it. We know that Mom needs to eat to have the strength to fight this.

Seeking Your Prayers...

2006-08-11T10:49:00.000-05:00

It's amazing how your life can change in the blink of an eye. One day you're fretting about the stupidest little details... wedding invitations, head counts, finding the right shoes... and the next you are run over with a crisis that makes you long for those silly little "problems" you were worrying about yesterday. Suddenly, your life is forever changed. You will never be the same person you were yesterday. The moment I found out my Mom might have cancer, my heart broke. The moment it was confirmed, those broken pieces shattered into a million tiny particles. From those particles I am trying to rebuild my heart into a vessel of faith, hope, and strength, and it can only be achieved through my savior, Jesus Christ. I am leaning on Him now more than I ever have in my life, and He is my only source of real comfort through this. Only God is capable of performing the miracle that my Mom SO needs right now. The doctors say, she can be treated, but she can't be cured. I say... how about we let the Lord have the final word on that?

I enlist your prayers, whoever might be reading this. My Mom is the single most loving, giving, sweet, kind, faithful, and amazingly selfless person I have ever known in this world. I hit the jackpot being born to someone who is so perfect in my eyes. She has been my teacher, my inspiration, and my friend for my entire life, and all I want to be someday, is just like her. I only pray that God's will is not to take her home just yet, because she is so loved and needed here on this earth. But I do pray first and foremost that he will take her pain away, and make her suffering stop. She loves God more than anything and she is not afraid. Through the oceans of tears we have all shed in the past week and a half, I have not seen my Mom shed even one. She is the strongest person I know, and she is a fighter. She is my hero. I love her so much and I just can't stop asking anyone and everyone to pray for her. Please pray for my Mom.

Thanks.
Becky

The First Week

2006-08-11T10:14:00.000-05:00

The past week has been a flurry of learning, coping, and comforting for the Castady family. I think everyone in the family would agree that we have learned far more than any of us would like to know about this scary type of cancer that has attacked our Mother's body. Everyone involved has gone through the full gamut of emotions, from shock, anger, and frustration, to sadness and denial. And then, finally, determination. Determination to be strong through this. Determination to put our faith in The Lord. Determination to beat this. Yes, it will be a long uphill battle, but I don't think anyone among us doubts that if anyone can tackle this mountain, it's our mom.

She truly is a special woman. While most people who know my mom think of her as a compassionate loving person, which is completely true, there is so much more to her. Inside of my mom, lives a pitbull. How else could someone live in pain for almost a year while doctors continued to tell her nothing was wrong with her? How else could someone raise six kids on a very tight budget and still somehow show so much love to all of them? How else could someone stare in the face of cancer and not even blink. Yes, with her Family and her Savior at her side, my mom is ready for this battle.

This blog will give updates on our mom as she fights through this. This blog will relay stories from the frontline as she undergoes treatment. This blog will also talk about the memories that our mom created for those she loved. This blog will be about our mom and all that she is.