10 Years Later...

It's been a long time since I've posted anything here. But that doesn't mean we don't miss you every single day. It's hard to believe that in a couple of days it will be 10 years since I've seen your face or heard your voice. But in my mind I can still see and hear you so clearly, as if it was yesterday you were here with me. I know it will always be that way, that your memory will thrive in the legacy that you left. How could it not? Never have I known a person who as left such an impact on the people who were lucky enough to know and love them... or even just acquaintances, and sometimes perfect strangers. You were the best person I have ever known Mom, in every possible way. How lucky am I that God chose ME to be your daughter? Every single day I thank Him for that. If I remember correctly, I said something at your funeral that still rings so true in my heart each day... even though our time here on earth was cut short, I wouldn't trade it for a hundred years with anyone else. You were perfect in my eyes, and I just pray that I can be half the mom to my boys that you were to me. Life has gone on, but you are always remembered and cherished and missed. No amount of time will ever change that. Rest peacefully in eternity with Jesus, Mom, we all miss you and love you so much! 

Happy (belated) Birthday

Happy belated birthday Mom! Life is a little crazy these days with a 2 1/2 year old and a 7 week old baby, but I was certainly thinking about you and missing you on your birthday the other day. What I wouldn't give to celebrate with you just one more time. I find that the times I have missed you the very most have been when in the midst of the newborn baby phase with both my boys. You were THE BEST baby resource a person could ever have! People still tell me stories about how you did this for them or that for them when they were pulling their hair out with a newborn, or had such great nursing advice, soothing techniques etc. My new son Mason is fussier than Cameron was, and as sweet and precious as he is, I have my days where I just cry and want my mommy. ;) I have a great support system, but nobody could ever fill your shoes and I'm just reminded anew of the absence in my life where you lived. I will always miss you dearly. I will always have a lump in my throat when I think that my boys will not know you. But I will mostly just focus on the positive, and I won't wallow, because you wouldn't want me to. Thanks for continuing to teach me. I just pray I will be half the mom you were to me. Here's a little collage of the boys, featuring your latest grandson, Mason James. He was HUGE, 9lb 6oz, but I pushed him out in about 5 minutes. You would have been so proud of me. ;) I love you so much.

Another Blessing

Hi Mom, I'm sitting here, anxiously awaiting the birth of my second baby boy, and I can't help but think of you and wish so badly you were here to share this time with us. Any time now I could be on my way to the hospital to welcome him into the world. It's so exciting and based on the overwhelming love I have for my funny, awesome little 2 year old Cameron, I can't wait to experience it again from the very beginning. I know new life and babies and grandkids were some of your favorite blessings to celebrate, and it just makes me long for your wisdom and motherly guidance. There are a handful of big events in life where you just need your mom, and having a baby is probably first on the list for me. And just because it's my second, doesn't mean I need you any less. I know God takes care of us, and we'll be fine, but I'd sure love to have you next to me right now for encouragement, Mom. A couple months ago we took a tour of the amazing new Elmhurst Hospital Birthing Center and I saw a bunch of your friends. They were so excited and happy to see me, and of course kept saying how much they miss you. It's always bittersweet to be in a place you spent so much time and energy and that you loved so much, without you there. But it's also comforting to know your presence will be felt when I am there (and the special treatment doesn't hurt either - haha!). Even though this is technically a new building you've never been in, your spirit and love will still surround me and I know I'll feel comforted just by the memory of you and through your friends who love you so much. I try not to allow myself to think too much about the fact that my kids will never know you. I don't like to look at things in terms of being "fair" in life. God deals us our lot based on HIS will, not what we might orchestrate for ourselves. I trust that, and I know you did too. I love you so much Mom. I will never stop missing you or needing you, but I know we'll be reunited again someday in God's glory. I'll try to make you proud in the meantime. Love, Becky

Little Reminders

Hi Mom, So it's that time of year again, the Christmas season with all it's excitement and joy and music and lights... so many things you loved when you were here. It makes me miss you but I'm also so thankful that I have a growing family of my own to enjoy the season with in a whole new way. And I have what will be your 17th grandchild waiting in the womb for his or her debut in May! The only bittersweet thing I can think of about parenthood is the fact that my kids will never know you. And that you'll never know them, although it's my hope that you're given a sneak peek from Heaven. Cameron is a few weeks shy of 2 years old, and he makes me more proud than I could ever put into words. Every time he grins at me and says something silly (he never stops talking... he is his mother's child) I think of you and how much you would adore and get a kick out of him. Today he was rifling through my purse and he brought me an envelope that I got at this Christmas breakfast I went to at church recently. I had forgotten all about it. It said "open in case of emergency" on it. Everyone at the breakfast got them, and they were encouraging Bible verses that were chosen by 5th and 6th graders to hand out to all the women at the breakfast. So I open it today, over a week later, and guess what verse is on the note card? Psalm 27:14. Your life verse (well one of the verses). The verse that is on this blog and will always remind me of you. It's crazy to me that of all the women at this breakfast it ended up in my hands. Little things like this I know are God's way of letting me know that both He and you are always with me. I love you and miss you every day Mom. I will be thinking you with a warm heart this Christmas season. Love, Becky

6 Years

Yesterday marked the 6 year anniversary since the day you left this world Mom. We have missed you every day since. A faintly pink hue clouded the early morning yesterday and it seemed so appropriate. Your presence was felt, but then again, it always is. Life here is ever changing, our family is always growing. We just wish so badly you could be here to share in all of the blessings. You are never forgotten though. When I look at my son, I just imagine how much joy he would bring to you if you could know him. And how much he would adore you. We are doing fine, but we would be even better if you were here. Today I thanked God that at least I will never have to lose you or say goodbye to you again. It seems like a strange thing to be thankful for, but I wouldn't want to go back to that time for anything. God carried us through that grief and allowed our lives to go on and brought us so much happiness since then. Someday I hope to run into your open arms when we are reunited in Heaven, and that will be the greatest gift. But in the meantime I will just try to live life and be the wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend that you raised me to be. Someone who would make you proud. I love you so much.

A Visit Back in Time

Hi Mom, Today I did something some might say is pretty dumb. I really needed to hear your voice, so I decided to listen to some of our digital recordings from when you were first diagnosed in the hospital and we recorded our discussions with the doctor. It was so heartbreaking Mom. Knowing what we know now, it's just so sad to listen to those desperate, confused people on those recordings, grasping for any shred of hope that you could be cured. I felt so many emotions as I went back in time to August 2006... sadness, desperation, anger, confusion. Hearing myself break down in sobs as YOU, the cancer patient, comforted ME was almost too much to bear. But there were snippets of that recording that I don't remember, words of peace from you that really comforted me as I relived that nightmare for a few minutes. As we sat reeling from the realization that you had stage 4 pancreatic cancer that had spread to your liver, you said to us "I prayed last night and I said you know what? I've been blessed already, so much in my life, I don't need any more blessings. If I get them and when I get them, that's great, but I don't need anymore, I've had plenty of blessings. I have six kids, I've got a great husband, I've got grandkids, I'm happy... you can't have everything". It was so simple, and grateful, and beautiful, my heart almost burst with pride that you are my mom. There could never be another person as amazing as you on this earth, how did I get so lucky to call you Mom? It was hard to relive what was literally my darkest hour in life to date. But it was also encouraging, and eye opening, and once again you taught me to be grateful for each day God gives me, and every blessing in my life. I love you so much Mom. Thank you for continuing to teach me things to this day. You are a very special angel. Love, Becky

Happy.... Everything

Hi Mom,
It has been one crazy holiday season, but I never want to forget to put my thoughts to the page when it comes to your blog. I will never let a year go by where I forget to remind you... whether you can read it or not... how very missed you are.

This was a big year for us. Cameron's first Thanksgiving, Christmas, and his 1st birthday was yesterday! We have been to countless parties and he is such a little social butterfly, just like his mommy. :) You would be so proud of how happy and funny he is. He is starting to stand, talk, and have the greatest little personality. I can just imagine what a kick you would get out of him. I am so lucky that his other grandma is filling the role for both of you with so many flying colors, and his grandpa Hayes is absolutely hands on and in love with him too. Dad is also so proud and cute when it comes to him, and all the kids for that matter. You wouldn't believe it - he actually got them all McDonald's GC's this year! I don't have to tell you Dad isn't really the gift buying type (much less for 15 kids), so I thought that was the cutest, and I'm sure you would have too. He's hanging in there mom. We all are. But we still miss you terribly and there is always a void in these happy seasons where you should be. We make the most of our time together though, and I think you'd have peace in your heart about that.

Tomorrow is New Years Eve. Last year we brought our new baby home that day, and this year he's having a sleepover with his grandparents. We've come a long way since then! This holiday in particular always makes me miss you a little extra because of our phone calls after midnight to wish each other a happy new year and say I love you. You were usually at work, having a pot luck with the girls. :) I probably post this same memory every year, but it's because it was just one of the small memories that I will always hold dear. I am so proud of the mother daughter relationship and friendship we had. I can't imagine feeling closer to someone as I did to you. Thank you for instilling so much good in my heart and life. You were the best and I will miss and love you every day, always.