A Bittersweet Season

When we were kids my mom used to take us up and down the side streets of Westchester, down "candy cane lane", to look at all the decked out Christmas decorations. A few days ago I took the same drive, hoping to recapture the magic of that memory, and the realization of Christmas without my mom really set in for the first time. I think last year was just too soon. We were just too numb to it all still. This year things have settled in and life without mom has become a reality. Somehow.

I will always love this time of year, but it's still somewhat bittersweet. Every thing about the Christmas season... the joy of Jesus' birth, the beautiful music, the spirit of giving, the elaborate decorations... it all just reminds me so much of her. She loved it all, and celebrated with her entire heart. She was the life of the party, and the center of the whole thing for me. The lights couldn't possibly shine as bright without her. My mom lived to buy gifts for her kids and grandkids, just to see their faces light up on Christmas day. It gave her a hundred times the joy than opening any gift of her own. As I shop for kids clothes and toys for my neices and nephews, and browse the aisles of the dollar store for the "little extras" and bargain wrapping paper and bows, I can't help but feel a sense of sadness as I remember that she isn't here to do the same. As I pick out gifts for people, it tugs at my heart strings as I wish so badly that I could pick her out a cute top, or something else she would never indulge in for herself. Probably so she could afford those "little extras" for everyone else. The list of things that make me miss her, especially at this time of year, is truly endless. But I do have to smile as I pick up my "two-50-foot-rolls-of-wrapping-paper-for-a-buck" at the Dollar Tree, knowing she'd be proud that I didn't pay full price. :)

I love you, Mom. I miss you with every inch of my heart, every day, every minute, always. I hope you're enjoying the lights in Heaven.